Remember You're Just Breathing

I'm just going to breathe for 20 minutes.

I'm going to close my eyes and let my thoughts come and go. Lower my heart rate and take slow deep breathes. Acknowledge any thoughts that come to present themselves. And let them slowly pass through, returning to just my breathe. Pay attention to those subtle rhythmic patterns of sounds that are surrounding me. Almost like pulsating water.

Water. Listening to water.

This reminds me of when I sat on the beach near Kanab Creek and listened to the Colorado pass by for awhile.


We are just down river from Deer Creek Falls. I spotted this beach while hiking up to the patio to watch where Deer Creek cuts through the tapeats sandstone and pours down into the Colorado. It had a slow moving, calm eddy, and a beautiful tiered beach that went well above the river. It was late in the day and the commercial trips would have claimed it by now if it was going to be taken. It was ours.





I remember this day. It started out saying goodbye to the lickers as they split off to explore another canyon while we headed down river. Then there was a brief run into a dipshit that was out for his morning business. The social trail he found to dig his cat hole was indeed not a small social trail but the main trail down Tapeats Creek to the river. He was shorts to the ground mid wipe only to discover a small group of backpackers with paddles jetting from backpacks were coming around the corner. I believe his words were, "Just give me a minute!" We ended up passing him while he stood there naked in what I imagine was one of the most embarrassing moments of his life. The toilet paper wasn't used yet and sat nicely folded by the hole in the ground ready for use after we had passed through.




Upon reaching the beach and the first sound of hissing rapids were heard, I could feel the lump in my throat begin to grow. As the TL I knew what laid ahead. I was confident in my lines and online scouting I'd spent toiling over for months. When I found out I had actually drew the permit I was ecstatic. I always feel pretty confident about getting myself through difficult situations, but could everybody in the party keep their shit together too? I was betting on yes, as I was the one who invited them. And I of all people know you don't drag the wrong people way out here. As for the welfare and safety of the group there was a mood I think was equally shared by every one else as we stuffed our 4 days of gear into the tubes of our rafts. I had to be the one to keep everyone safe.

We reached the first scout point and it laid behind a fairly strong eddy fence. I looked over my shoulder once through and watched it grab a hold of moose's downriver tubes of his packraft and flip him right over. After assessing the danger that laid ahead I realized this was not our correct scout and this rapid is actually unnamed and harmless. The feeling of unease had taken control of my sense of confidence as I got back into my boat and enjoyed the short sporty wave train that sent us further down river. We didn't encounter any other rafters as we floated a small section of river today and finally reached our only class 4 of the run. Seemed reasonable to scout it, especially since JT is in long johns and is basically paddling a bucket boat as a packraft...and no bucket, thigh straps or a seat.

The line looks straight forward. Follow the tongue down, avoid the hole on river right and just ride down through the wave train. My eyes were glued to that hole though. It looked like it would swallow a 16ft raft and the line through the tongue seemed a little extra narrow now from this perspective. Then as we all stood there quietly looking things over, JT breaks through the silence and says, "Let's run this! You coming?"

"Yeah, I think so..." I reluctantly answered.

As I got my skirt on and everything situated Moose and Cami watched from the beach as we pushed off. There was a slight feeling of doom in the air. I'm pretty sure they were both sold on portaging it and meeting us in the eddy at the bottom. I followed JT through the tongue and watched him disappear in the white foaming waves. He shot right back up at the crest of one and I would of sworn I saw daylight surround his raft on all sides as he peaked over the next wave, then quickly he dropped down into the next trough. Right through the meat we went. The hole on river right that had me concerned was so easily avoidable you would have had to been asleep to run into it. I watched JTs bucket boat/packraft take on water and start to have the buoyancy of a submarine as he reached the shoreline. I yelled back at Cami and Moose to send it, and without knowing the saying quite yet, basically, "Lay some treats." I yelled that, "I'm coming back up" to session it again.

As JT worked on his submarine and wringed out his long johns. I carried my fully loaded packraft up through the boulder garden to the top of the rapid to reach Cami. JT set safety and while we pushed out. I told Cami to just follow my line and while I've been down here before and paddled bigger water this was the first real white water Cami had ever been on before. This is not the swelling Virgin River, this is the Colorado. I looked back as we started to accelerate through the tongue. She was right on me. A few moments later we were on the beach smiling. That was freaking rad!




Later that day we paddled down through the narrows. Looked up at the walls as they constricted and then finally opened back up. We hiked up to Deer Creek and sat on the patio for awhile and watched the water cascade down the slot canyon and disappear around the bend. On the trail down we spotted our beach for the night. We paddled over and set up camp. As we caught the first shade of the day I walked around the beaches and looked at all the rocks.


Found an alcove and a massive pour off to gander at. The place was pretty dry. It hadn't flooded down here for awhile, but the remains of the past flood looked completely bonkers.






The late hours of the night when the stars start to finally show was still a couple hours away. The sun had gone down. The sky started to turn its saturated light blue as the handful of clouds turned into shades of red. Everything that needs to be moved, placed, and put away is done at this moment. Time is on our hands. Way down here and no where to go. We get to be board, to sit and have our thoughts arise.


I head down to the beach and find a rock to sit on. The walls are glowing as the sun is setting. My friends are up on the beach telling stories. I close my eyes and listen to the river in front of me. The rhythm of the waves moving towards the shore. The sensation of my lungs expanding and contracting. The air moving through me. A constant. All my senses have been turned up. I can feel the air move around my body now. Every hair on my skin grabs it as it passes by me. I can now recognize the pattern of sounds the water is making as it swirls and moves down river in front of me. My thoughts wonder off on events that happened today.... I circle back.

"Oh yeah, I was meditating..."

These are just thoughts about memories that have come and gone

"Remember you're just breathing now."

It is always consensus and it contents.

"Just breathe. Follow your breathe."

I take another deep breathe and feel the buzz as I open my eyes and remember where I am.

That was over a year ago now. It's just a good memory. Just acknowledge it as they arise, and remember that... "You're just breathing right now."





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